Kingfisher Cove

Bra Road-Kill

Since I'm not well-endowed in the particular area in which a woman's endowment is coveted, I rarely wear a bra.  I tend to wear loose and comfy clothing and it just doesn't really matter because those (wee) puppies are covered and hidden and lost among the non-coveted endowments. However, I do have a few sweaters and blouses that require means to prevent gagging or horror in a professional work environment ("a fifty-year-old woman has nipples!?"  Oh, God!), so I do actually own a couple of bras.  In fact, I wore one today. 

You can bet in one fell-swoop I had that damned thing yanked out through the sleeve  of my sweater the very instant I walked in the door tonight -- I'm adept at that!  Don't need to disrobe to pull off a bra!  I just hate those things.  I can't tell you how free I feel at the moment!  (Do men feel the same way when they remove their jock-straps?  I doubt it).

So...I may be feeling "free" at the moment, but work has me feeling like my entire being is bound up in a straight-jacket.  (Or should be).  Wow, work is just overwhelming right now.  I'm so afraid that being spread so thin will cause me to make a mistake, and mistakes just aren't forgotten or forgiven where I work.  (And they're so easy to make).

I was bad today at lunch.  For over two weeks I've been darned good on Weight Watchers and today I blew it.  But tonight I'm being good.  And tomorrow I'll be even better.  It's a setback, but it's not the end of the world.  Actually, I was also good this morning because I passed on the donut holes for our weekly staff meeting.  (Shouldn't saying "no" to donut holes be worth the loss of about 10 lbs. or so?)   

Oooops...

I overslept this morning.  I hate when that happens.  I even went to bed early last night and never did hear JDub come home and climb in bed.  (Hate when that happens, too -- which should be changing relatively soon once he learns when he goes back to working days).  So, it wasn't a good start to my day, and what a difference a half hour makes in traffic!  Jeesh! 

Work's kickin' my butt.  It's so damned busy and stressful, trying to keep people "happy."  Pleasing one person often means pissing off another.  It's hard to feel good about what you do, because even the person who is "pleased" isn't going to tell you about it.  Just the fact that they don't piss and moan and go behind your back to snivel has to pretty much be construed as a pat on the back.

Some positives:  I came home to a clean house tonight!  And, it was a beautiful sunny day (frosty this morning, though -- even a half hour late).  And, JDub's car has been "born" -- he's able to track its progress and it's actually been built and has been assigned a VIN!  He just has to wait now for the slow boat train from wherever to deliver it to the dealership.  Won't be long now and our driveway will be ablaze with.....uhm, yellow.

 

Productive! (When I'm not procrastinating...)

It's been a blue-sky weekend and it's amazing how that can jump-start the ol' energy gene.  Yesterday I reamed out my car.  Wow, it feels like new again.  Not bad for a 2001, eh? It was full of crap!  Mostly books (lots of books), but also the typical rubbish you find in cars, like tons of pennies (hardly any silver, of course), pen caps, wadded tissue, broken ice scraper, missing coffee punch card, discarded sweater, dried up leaves, and other sundry disgusting items.  So I dusted and scrubbed and polished and shined and vacuumed -- then I drove it down to the local carwash and ran it through so the outside sparkled, too.  I swear that it drives better!  Now I need to find places for all those damned books.

On my way home from the carwash, I stopped at a Hallmark in town that also carries some nifty gifty items.  (Also a lot of frou-frou Victorian crap that doesn't appeal to me in the least, but the local area has a bunch of senior citizens' assisted living/retirement homes so I suppose they cater to that substantial clientele -- who I tend to get stuck behind in traffic on a regular basis, driving at 10 mph in a 45).  Anyway, I was on the lookout for a small bouquet of glass flowers to stick in my Bug's bud vase, but I couldn't find any.  But I did find a jewelry chest.  I've looked all over the internet trying to find "the perfect thing", but I haven't had any luck.  I thought I'd like to have an armoire, but they're all so frou-frou or faux-antique (just not my style).  So I found this chest that is kind of like a miniature armoire with the swing-out doors for hanging necklaces.  It's more of a traditional style than I hoped to find, but at least it isn't frou-frou.  (Bet you're tired of that word).  So I spent an amazing amount of time last night sorting through my gazillions of earrings and necklaces, plus a bunch of earrings that belonged to my mom.  I actually ended up throwing a lot of things out (99.9% of what I have is costume jewelry, and the "nice" stuff I do have virtually all have broken clasps -- I've set them aside to take to a jeweler for repairs--someday).  This new chest is deceiving because it's not as roomy as I thought it would be.  At least there's some order now, and I can actually locate PAIRS of earrings.  It was kind of like playing the card game "Concentration", trying to find all those matches.

Today I've been pretty much trapped inside, but the windows are open!  Even the glass sliding door is open to air this place out.  It feels springy out there, although a brisk-springy.  While laundry is underway, I'm transferring a bunch of work files from the work server (via the work laptop) to a memory stick so I can work on my OWN FAST laptop.  But it's already taken 45 minutes for the transfer of those files and it's still going.  (Have I mentioned that our company laptops & VPN suck?  Companies cut costs in the most ludicrous ways.  Of course, they don't pay me overtime for my weekend work.  I'll bet if they had to, they'd make certain we had super-speedy equipment).

I'm dreading delving into this work, though -- it's another PFH (Proposal From Hell) that I just have to make some headway on.  I keep finding "other" things to do, like clean the kitchen!  Fold the clothes!  Print some Harstine photos for the new picture frame I bought (yesterday at Hallmark).  Oh!  I need to take a picture of that -- it turned out quite nice!

You can't really tell from this, but the frame is in a dark blue and it matches nicely with the blue leather furniture in our living room. 

I Can Live With That

After a night of stewing on my part and seething on my boss's part, Ms. Barrymore met with our office principal this morning (who was integral in yesterday's decision) and expressed her frustration, dismay, outrage, and alarm at being treated like a chess pawn. 

The meeting went very well, and after "seeing the light", our office principal was very apologetic about the fiasco.  (She, our principal, is a very kind and likable lady -- but she is wishy-washy and she does lack backbone, which can lead to frustration, dismay, outrage, and alarm at times).

As a result of this meeting (I'd supplied my boss with a list of questions and concerns for her to to contribute to her own issues for her discussion), I will work at the branch office four days a week until the end of April.  So...it's not permanent.  Woohoo!   And many things were clarified that were major concerns, such as "who would I be reporting to?" because it seemed to me that I could be dealing with a whole bunch of bosses with separate agendas and I could see the writing on the wall with that kind of chaos.   The aggressive in-your-face potential nemesis woman in yesterday's meeting had also tossed around some additional wacko tasks and responsibilities that had me reeling, and they have been officially removed from the table.  Whew! 

I feel much better about things, and now I can actually feel rather excited about this.  I can view it as an opportunity rather than a prison sentence.  And I also feel awfully appreciative of my boss for having the backbone that so many managers tend to lack, and going to bat for me.

In other news, no Harstine this weekend because JDub's going snowmobiling with his buddy tomorrow.  AND... he sent me an email today to tell me he bought tickets to see "Snow Patrol" at Key Arena (in Seattle) on February 27th!  They emerged on the radar by having their hit (before it was a hit) "Chasing Cars" featured on "Grey's Anatomy," and then they were on Leno.  Nate got the CD for JDub for Christmas and we've listened to it over and over again at Harstine because it is just great.  So I'm very excited about this, plus it's been ten years since I've been to a concert!   Woohoo! 

What concerts have you been to?

My Concert List (you can tell that most were many moons ago...)

• Chicago
• Carpenters
• Jethro Tull
• Emerson Lake & Palmer
• Styx
• Bachman Turner Overdrive
• Fleetwood Mac
• Combo:  Lovin' Spoonful; Paul Revere and the Raiders
• Jimmy Buffet
• Leo Kottke
• Janis Ian
• Gloria Estafan
• Morphine

I'd also love to see Eric Clapton, Cold Play, Norah Jones, Sarah MacLachlan, and Loreena McKennit if they ever come this way.  (Van Halen is talking about getting back together with David Lee Roth and that would be a hoot, too!)

What's interesting is that in remembering these concerts I've listed, I realize what a "story" attending each of them entailed.  The memories absolutely lit on fire -- I recall the most minute details.  Some naughty, some extremely emotional, and all of them totally unforgettable.   

Change is Yukky

I suppose wherever you are in life, life at least sometimes feels hard.  And yet, when you compare what you're going through to what really is hard -- like losing a child to cancer, or losing everything you own to Hurricane Katrina, or living in an abusive household, or suddenly being homeless because the house of cards fell -- our own angst pales and we feel awfully petty.  I do feel very fortunate and appreciative about so many things -- however, it wouldn't take  a whole lot for those things to suddenly disappear....poof.  Sometimes, life feels hard just knowing that.

When I went through counseling after Nate's dad left and I felt absolutely out-to-sea, I couldn't help but feel guilty about even needing counseling, because I could well imagine what types of life horrors my counselor dealt with on a daily basis.  I brought it up once.  She very forcefully and matter-of-factly instilled in me that you cannot compare  yourself to other's plights.  Our lives are what they are, and we feel what we feel.  Sadness is valid, whatever our circumstance, and the magnitude of those circumstances are ours, and ours alone.  They belong to nobody else.  I appreciated hearing that.  I can imagine that if we all took on all the grief of the entire world, we'd be hanging out at the morgue instead of a therapist's office.

I could tell you that what I experienced today at work wasn't particularly "dire" -- but I can still hear my counselor's voice even after all these years:  "It was dire for you."  OK, it was.  Is.  Well, if not dire, certainly yukky.

In a nutshell, I'm being moved -- permanently -- to a different office.  I was not consulted, not even my boss, Drew Barrymore was consulted.  She and I were both caught entirely off-guard.  This was an arbitrary decision made by "higher ups" and the proper and professional way to react to such a thing (at the very instant it is sprung on you even though you are totally numb and blown away) is to nod, smile, and agree that it's definitely in the best interest of the COMPANY.   "Oh, what a great idea!"  After the fact?  You reel.

Change has never been something I've embraced, and yes I have read "Who Moved My Cheese?"  My issue is that so often in the work force, change is instituted on a whim and it is not always a wise choice.  It is just too easy to bark orders and evoke change.  It makes managers look good, at least on the spreadsheet.  "See?  I made THIS happen!  And this!  And this!"

Probably....this change truly is in the best interest of the company.  I can't honestly point to anything that smacks as utterly stupid about it.  And for me, this branch office is very close to my current office so it makes no difference to my commute.  BUT, it is a completely different office with a completely different staff and a completely different culture that I'll need to acclimate to.  And there is one particular personality issue that I foresee as being a potentially HUGE FACTOR.  Remember the "bitchy know-it-all" emailer in this post?  Yup, she's a very aggressive and in-your-face personality at this branch office.   With very unrealistic expectations that became clear at our meeting today.   She was the reckoning force behind this decision.

I must make this positive for myself, and it may well be.  But it's almost like changing jobs!  (Which is a stressful thing).   And once again, I have no control over the situation.  I'm a piece of flotsam or jetsam bobbing on those rolling waves.  Out to sea....   

Time for a List

1. My boss (Drew Barrymore) is supportive and therefore today was pretty productive (but tiring!) 
2. Weight Watchers is going well -- it hasn't been too hard.  I'm looking forward to seeing some results, but I know it'll take time.
3. I got me some online-ordered clothes in the mail today!  I'm excited!  (I hate mall shopping so much that I take my chances with online shopping.  Usually it works out OK).
4. So far, I like Barack Obama.  I can't get over that some folks think he's related to Osama bin Laden. (See #6 below).
5. Hillary is OK.  Hopefully she'll tone down her stridency.  I'll wait and see.
6. JDub read me a funny regarding stupid people:  "Why not remove all the product warnings and let nature take its course?"
7. I watched last week's recorded episode of "Grey's Anatomy" the other night and sobbed my eyes out.
8. Ever notice the amazing and stellar music played on "Grey's Anatomy"?  Whoever picks 'em sure knows what they're doing.  (I've downloaded several and they're great!)
9. I'd like to take a vacation.  I have time accrued (haven't taken a vacation day since I've worked at this job), but it sure does accrue slowly.
10. Nate's been a grump about school.  He has a Marine Biology and a Pre-Calculus class that are very difficult and he's very stressed.
11. The latest is that Nate wants to be a meteorologist.  Which requires a lot of math and science.
12. I could see him doing broadcast meteorology -- the kid likes to talk and has no fear of speaking before the public.  He can be pretty funny, too.
13. Meteorologists seem to be a happy bunch.  (Around here, they get paid well for often being wrong!)
14. I finally updated my 100 things in my "About" page.  Just a little.
15. You all should check this out.  (click "watch the story").  It made me gasp.

Why I Must "Swallow It"

Regarding yesterday’s post, my dear husband (and I do really mean dear – his intentions are loving, I know) rather admonished me for “taking it.” He said, “If you allow this kind of behavior, the behavior will continue.” He advised me to use email as the tool – that it is – in order to track, provide proof, and cover my ass.

Obviously, all this makes sense.  However, he doesn’t walk in my shoes.

The culture in the biz I’m in is well-established. Most architectural/engineering marketing people are women, including marketing management – and the culture is this: “Aim to please.” I know from experience that this culture happened because whenever marketers would stand up to the engineers (or “professional staff”), or go to their superiors regarding the frustration of disrespectful treatment or non-responsiveness, the blame has always been twisted back around to the marketing person or staff. “You are not flexible enough. The engineers are busting their butts meeting billable deadlines and keeping clients happy, and without those billable deliverables or happy clients, we have no work coming in the door.” We can talk until we’re blue in the face that meeting a marketing deadline with spot-on accurate technical information that only the engineer can provide means the difference between work or no work, but this is not given the credence that it deserves. Why? Because our superiors (office principals, project managers, even the CEO) are either current or former engineers.  And marketing management answers to them and so they must tow their line.

It’s damned frustrating because the women in marketing management have no backbone as a result of this ingrained culture. Therefore, those of us in the trenches are constantly in fear of our jobs because there is no support or even empathy for our situation. If you piss off the wrong person for whatever reason, you can suddenly be considered “not a good fit” for the company. It happens frequently, and it has happened everywhere I’ve ever worked. Contrarily, the professional staff is allowed tremendous leeway for their behavior. Abuse is rampant – I’m sure that they are often abused by their clients and so it’s a come-back-to-the-office-and-kick-the-dog mentality. We are the dog. And in that powerful billable culture, women are often the worst. (“Power! I have power! Nothing can touch me because I’m billable!”)

Here are a couple of examples of why the marketing culture is so ingrained.

~~~

Tara has been a marketing coordinator for Acme Engineering for about eight years. At our latest quarterly all-marketing-staff meeting, she said this: “I told them I needed their input by noon on Friday because I had plans and wasn’t going to be able to work that weekend. I guess they didn’t believe me, because by 5:00 I still hadn’t received anything from them. And so, I left.”

At this point, everyone gasped. Shelly, the corporate marketing manager who oversees all of us, narrowed her eyes and glared at Tara. “You did? You left?”  Tara nodded guiltily. “I did,” she said. “I really needed to pick up my son from daycare because he wasn’t feeling well. But I found a babysitter and so I came back later that night.”

“What about your weekend plans?” I asked, totally appalled.

“Oh….well, I cancelled them.”

Shelly, the no-backbone corporate marketing manager, nodded with satisfaction.  Tara is still a "good fit."

~~~

My immediate supervisor, Drew Barrymore, told me this story. Her proposal was due in Portland, OR by 5:00. It was currently 1:30 – of the due date – and Portland was a three-hour drive away, on a good traffic day, like a Sunday, which this was not. She finally received the input she’d been waiting for from the project manager, did a very quick QA/QC of the document and sent it to print. Then she gathered up the binding machine and spiral binds and dashed out to the project manager’s SUV where she huddled in the back and punched and bound the copies of her proposal while he drove her at godspeed to the airport. (“Seatbelt? Ha!”) She then fled to her flight, arrived in Portland and grabbed a rental car and sped to the City’s office to deliver the proposal with five minutes to spare. In everybody’s haste, she then discovered that she’d only been given a one-way ticket. She didn’t have any cash or credit cards with her, no change of clothes – nothing. She called the office but it was closed by then. She did have the project manager’s cell number plugged into her own cell phone, so she called him up and he provided her with his credit card number so she could take the bus home.

Later, the project was awarded to the company. The project manager got a really nice bonus as a result!

Drew got a nice $5.00 "peer prize" for Starbucks.
~~~

So if marketing staff will “swallow that” or “bend over and take that,” I can be pretty certain that me showing the proof of my emails to people who hate email and refuse to read it anyway in order to prove who didn’t do what and who was bitchy and abusive, would be construed as utterly petty.

And I’m not quite ready to be "not a good fit."

However, it's time to buy another lottery ticket.

Crappy Day....As I Expected

My email sent to the (4) technical proposal reviewers: Attached is a very rough draft. It has many holes, as I’m still awaiting technical information from [asshat project manager], and the photos and graphics will be added later when the document is closer to finalization. Please review for the content so far and advise on the direction this is going so that we’re all in agreement. Thanks!

Email reply from extremely bitchy know-it-all technical proposal reviewer: I’m attaching my comments. Why are there no photos or graphics? Why would you even think to send this out for review with so many holes?

~~~~~

Uhm, first, it would be real handy if you read the effing email before lapsing into your tirade.  Second, because this is the day I said I would send this out for review according to the proposal schedule, of which I'm obviously the only one who abides by it.  And finally, so that maybe somebody could prod [asshat project manager] to take responsibility for his part?

(No, these were just the thoughts running raging through my head.  The name of this game is "swallow it.")

And not one word from the other three reviewers -- nor the asshat project manager.

So....that was my day.  On top of more IT issues.  And the deadline looms.

I want my Saturday back.

Totally, Absolutely, Utterly Delighted

The best medicine on Earth:  Bright, sparkling sunshine on January 20th -- a Saturday!  Beautiful sunshine!  Gorgeous blue skies, aqua blue water, and snow-peaked mountains.  The depth and color!  Glittering wet leaves, glittering beach rocks (including agates everywhere you look), glittering seagulls, even glittering weiner dogs.  I have so missed the color.  I haven't seen the likes of this since October.  And October was a very long time ago.

I was amazed when I woke up this morning, because I did not expect this.  I don't believe it was forecast -- I'm a weather/news hound and this was not even hinted at. 

Somebody knew exactly what I needed.

It's Crabby Out

It has been the longest week ever.  Frustrated to the brink of tears for various reasons day after day.  Weather, work, work, weather. 

I'm tired of the dark.

I'm tired of being hunched over in the cold -- be it freezing cold, windy cold, or wet cold. 

I'm tired of being sandwiched between semis on the freeway, held up by their maddening pokiness and then being deluged in rainwater when I attempt to edge around them.

I'm tired of work crap.

I'm tired of my coworker complaining about every damned thing under the sun rain clouds.  "My shoulder hurts."  "My stomach aches."  "Oh!   I'm a knotted mess!"  "I can't keep even water down."  "I'm starving!"  "I'm so tired!"  It makes me silent and seething.  I don't even want to give her the satisfaction of sympathy because I'd never hear the end of it.  As if I don't anyway.

OK, so I'm a complainer, too.  At least here.  I'll shut up about it now.

We are at Harstine!  I actually have internet connection and I'm pretty amazed because it's nasty outside and I figured that atmospheric conditions would mean zero bars on my T-Mobile card.  It bounces between one and two, which is typical here, but for whatever reason it's working OK.  Might not tomorrow, who knows? 

It's forecast to be a wet and nasty weekend, but We. Don't. Care.  It was time to get out of Dodge.  It's been since Christmas Day (evening) and the day after that we were here last.  I was a little nervous because since then we've had a couple more wind storms, plus the snow accompanied by temperatures in the teens over an extended time.  It was apparent that the power had been off at some point (probably from the wind storms).  But things seem to be pretty much intact.  Winter-messy, but no big branches or anything.  Or burst pipes. 

I can already feel the angst beginning to fade.  The sound of JDub digging through puzzle pieces in the box; the dogs in the midst of sneakily snatching chewy bones from each other; good tunes on the CD player;  a fridge full of healthy foods.....because I've joined Weight Watchers!