Kingfisher Cove

Took A Breath Today

I took a bereavement day today.   Tomorrow I head back to work, but I spent a good portion of today writing an obituary.  Actually, three of them, slanted to the three main places Mom has lived here in Washington.   I'm actually feeling quite upset because the larger of the three newspapers charges an exhorbitant price for obituaries.   It's quite basic, and no photo included, and it cost over $300!  I just feel that's obscenely expoitative  -- taking clear advantage of death and emotions.   Grrrr.

Otherwise, it was a decent day.  JDub had to go in early for a class, so he was able to get off work early.  We took a nap late this afternoon and then went out for a bite to eat. 

For escape these past few days, I've been playing a new adventure game!  It's called "Dreamfall: The Longest Journey", and the story is very intriguing.  I had to get me a game pad, though, because using the mouse was soooooo not working.   In a way I wonder why I put myself through these games because I always get stuck!  And this game is new enough on the market that there aren't any "hints" available out there yet.  So yes, you've guessed it, I'm currently stuck.  I'll get past it eventually, I know.   

Tomorrow will be nice because I will come home to a clean house!  I've rehired my cleaning lady and she starts tomorrow.  I'm so jazzed about that! 

May 14, 1936 -- May 14, 2006

Mom passed away early this morning, peacefully, in her sleep.  Yes, on her 70th birthday.  (And yes, on Mother's Day).  Needless to say, it was a very surreal day (there's that word again).  Expecting it, knowing it was what she wanted (and needed), and then all of us spending the day together made it not as overtly sad as you might think.  We ate oysters in her honor and spent a lot of time on the deck enjoying a very sunny and beautiful day, with Mt. Baker plugged in and awesome.  She would have loved this day.

I have to tell you, though, that what made it particularly surreal (and even quite bizarre) is that it took a while for the folks from the funeral home/crematorium to come and pick up her body.   So by the time that JDub and Nate and I arrived, she was still there, laying in her hospital bed.  Uhm, no longer with us, which was rather apparent.  Several hours had elapsed.  Then, when they did arrive, it was two women who were very competent about moving her onto the gurney and all, but they needed help carrying the gurney up the fairly steep flight of outside steps to the transport van.  So my brother and my son assisted them.  The whole time I kept thinking, I hope they aren't traumatized by this.  While they both admitted later that it was very weird, they've elected to look at it as an honor -- like being pall bearers.

All day, I kept expecting to see her, coming out to the deck through the glass sliding door to peer over the rail and oooh and ahhhh about the blue water and mountain; or to cook the oysters in her organized and methodical manner (my manner was neither of those things, but it worked OK).  Truth is, she hasn't been able to do or enjoy those things in a very long time.  That woman I kept expecting to see was the woman she used to be quite a while ago.

That's the woman I'll remember.

TGIF....Sorta

OK, my brain is Very Tired of reading manuals and standards and absorbing reams of information (online)! There is a lot to learn. The company procedures and processes are complex. There is also a lot of responsibility, and at times I think about hopping in my car and driving far far away. (Ever feel like that?)

And so it does feel nice to be here at home on my laptop on a Friday night. (Yes, I live such an exciting life!) (Actually, I do like it here on my laptop). I have a whole work-week behind me, and that feels good. I’ll actually start working on a proposal Monday (with guidance) and I’m looking forward to it! Never thought I’d ever say that! (And my mind can and probably will be changed). I’m especially excited to learn about the amazing marketing database, which we didn’t have at The Other Place because Micrmngr Boss Bitch could never make up her mind what she wanted, nor did she even understand the concept, and it was kind of like the more the rest of us pushed for it, the more resistant she became. She was (is) just that way.  Anyway, the database should truly make the process so much easier – it’s very well maintained and so much of the information I’ll need will be at my fingertips. I’ll just need to do a little customization for the specific proposal.

OK, enough about worky stuff.

Hospice brought in a hospital bed for my mom, which really does make it nicer for everyone involved. While Mom could “feel” the pain, she could not lie down. She slept at night in her lift chair.  (This picture is of Mom at Christmas this year -- in her lift chair).  Anyway, Dad put the hospital bed in front of a window, which I thought was very sweet of him. I doubt very much that she’s aware of anything at all now, but the idea of her regaining consciousness even for a moment and being right there to see outside to the pristine bay, is a great and loving thought. It’s like, even if she’s not aware, she may really be in a way. The Camano Island property used to belong to her parents, and so there is incredible history and family connection to that wonderful plot of beachfront land.

I’m feeling quite numb, actually. I’ve had to focus so much on work this week that I just haven’t allowed myself to dwell on what it’s going to be like to not have my mom around. To never receive another email from her, or hear her voice ever again. It’s so very strange. I believe I’m in a fair amount of denial.

Sure Glad Tomorrow's Friday

See those drooping wiener dogs?  That's me.  Need to get through one more day this week, and then it'll be so nice to have a break.  Even though it'll be really short. 

It was another busy day -- although I spent much of today reading manuals and RFPs ("requests for proposals") and testing out computer programs I've been introduced to.  It was kind of nice to have time to myself to focus on what I've learned, instead of meeting people right and left and going by their agendas.  It was a good day.  At lunch I stopped by the local Fred Meyer and picked me up a desk lamp and a radio/CD player.  My work area is fairly dim -- I'm in the midst of AutoCad people who notoriously prefer dimness.  Plus, they tend to be awfully talky, so it'll be nice to plug my headphones into my radio/CD player when I need to escape from that.  I hate cubicles.  Whomever invented those should be shot.  Yes, I understand their cost effectiveness for companies, but there is absolutely NO PRIVACY.  Sound proof?  Not one bit.  They just absolutely suck.  And my area is pretty torn and tattered, so I've been doing my best to brighten it up and make it somewhat homey.   It's amazing how much ambiance the desk lamp provides!  I'm quite jazzed about that.  That and I have JDub's turned wooden bowls and my miniature rowboats on a shelf.  Plus pictures of Nate on the desk.  I need to bring in pictures of Harstine and the wiener dogs.

I have a laptop that is docked into the server, with a very nice separate HUGE monitor -- 21 inch?  I haven't undocked the laptop yet and tried it out at home or anything -- it's much smaller than my home laptop, and I'm sure its screen will be a disappointment in comparison.  I'm thinking I might prefer to use my own when I have to work at home.  Traveling to other offices I'd take the company laptop because my personal one is awfully heavy.

~~~~~

Mom's condition really hasn't changed.  She hasn't had any food or water in two or three days now, so the time is drawing very near. 

Need a Good Chuckle?

Check this out.

ZZZZZZ....

Wow, busy day.  Not bad, just busy.  I'm just meeting new people and being thrown into situations like a whirlwind/tornado/hurricane.   All packed into one major tempest!  Actually, I'm not complaining (yet) because I'm so new and naive about what exactly I'm being thrown into, that ignorance is still somewhat bliss.  Although, I do worry a bit.   (I'm going to have to actually speak in front of 20 people the end of June?  This is so not my comfort zone....)  However, I have to admit that my comfort zone these past few months has been staying in my jammies until noon and surfing the web and/or reading a book.  (Actually, I wouldn't mind going back to that).

A gal I met today from the corporate office, and who is probably a bit younger than I am, announced that she is "retiring".  She's married to a fellow who has been retired for several years, and who is 17 years older than she is.  So they are going to take motor-home trips for a while.  Yeah, I felt pretty envious.

Oh, I've met such marvelous people!  Bright, fun, humorous, interesting, open.  I know I'm in "honeymoon phase", but I'm pretty good at getting a fairly immediate clue to a person's character.  Didn't take me a week to discover that Micrmngr Bitch Boss was a micrmngr bitch boss. 

~~~~~

Mom's coma continues -- deeper now.  There's no more apparent dreaming or hallucinating happening.  And her breathing has become quite shallow.  She's now in a hospital bed.  I'm not sure how in the world they got it inside!  (I didn't speak to my dad tonight -- I was updated from my brother.  Dad takes turns contacting one or the other of us, and then we communicate with each other).

I sure appreciate all your kind words and support.  I don't know if you all realize how uplifting that is for me.   I realize that I don't even truly know many of you, and yet I feel such warmth and caring from you and you can bet that it's being shipped back to you in mega-doses!

Surreal

This week is best described by that word  -- in fact, right now my entire life is surreal.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm functioning, but I am.   I mentioned to my friend Lisa that I've been pretty much compartmentalizing things -- at work, I really force myself to not think about Mom's situation.  It's necessary for me to carefully focus on the barrage of information being thrown my way.   How or why is this possible?  I think it's mainly because of the wonderful phone conversation that Mom and I had last week before the heavy-duty pain medication took complete hold (and the lack of dialysis became such an issue).  I will tuck that conversation into my favorite memories of all time.  It was great.  And it's given me strength to endure this.  It was vintage "Mom".  And my acceptance of her decision to go this route was something she really needed to hear.

I spoke to my dad a bit ago and Mom is now in a coma.  He mentioned that she was cycling a bit -- now and then she'd apparently have one of her "hallucinations" (while asleep) and her arms and legs would move around, at times as if she was sewing!  She was always a great seamstress (until these last years with the pain she suffered), and that made me smile.  In her dreams, she's maybe sewing me a dress like she used to do all the time throughout my childhood.   But, she's sinking deeper into sleep, and she has apnea (where she doesn't breathe for a while).  He said that's becoming more prevalent. 

He also mentioned something that has upset me -- that the hospice nurse is not very nice to him.  He's been in a quandary about administering her medication since she's been in this coma -- how does one do that?  I mean, you can't wake her up to take her pills.  And the nurse has been making Dad feel that he's "not doing his job".   Also, Mom is in a lift chair (not a hospital bed, although the lift chair reclines in many positions) and the hospice team was a little miffed because they can't turn her over to wash the back side of her.  The only benefit a hospital bed would be, would be to make their job easier.  I'm so surprised by this.  Even though I can't personally relate (at all) to being a hospice caregiver, my understanding was that they were pretty much saints.  Or that you'd basically need to be a saint in order to work in hospice.  I've heard nothing but wonderful things about hospice, but maybe these people are human after all.  But Dad doesn't need to be treated that way, and it makes me mad.  This is hell for him, too -- and more so now than it's hell for Mom.

~~~~~

My second day on the job was busy and educational.   I'm slowly finding my way around the office, discovering shortcuts!   I did go through a rather stressful ordeal because my social security card has the wrong name on it.  It has my previous married name, and even it is misspelled!  I've attempted to update it, but I need to find my birth certificate, my divorce decree, JDub's and my marriage license, and then spend hours at the social-security office.  And I just haven't done it.   This company had to have documentation that I was a "legal citizen" of the U.S. or else I'd have to STOP WORKING for the company, and so I spent my lunch hour obtaining a certified copy of my birth certificate in Tacoma.   I STILL need to iron out the social security card deal, but not NOW.  At least I can now continue working!

~~~~~

Poor JDub.  He worked all weekend.  And then he was called in Sunday night (I think I mentioned) for an emergency, so I was in bed asleep when he returned.  Yesterday -- Monday -- I kissed his sleeping head goodbye in the morning, then went to bed about an hour before he got home last night (so I was the sleeping head when he crawled into bed).  THEN, at 1:30 a.m., the phone rang and ANOTHER emergency came up and he had to go back into work!  When I got up this morning, he still wasn't home.  We haven't even had the opportunity to discuss what happened!  I'm totally in the dark.  However, he's home napping right now.  When he wakes up, we'll go get a bite to eat and I'll hear about it then.  We are total strangers with separate lives! 

See what I mean about surreal?

More (Very Dark) Humor -- "Better Than Worm Food"

Dad: I’ve made arrangements with a crematorium. They will bring me Mom’s ashes afterwards.

My Brother: OK.

Dad: You know? When I go, I want the same thing.

My Brother: Cremation?

Dad: Yup. And also have the ashes sprinkled on the beach at low tide.

My Brother: Just like Mom.

Dad: Yeah, except I want WD-40 sprayed on my ashes.

My Brother: WD-40??!

Dad: Yeah.

My Brother: Why?

Dad: Because it’ll attract the crabs. Might as well be crab bait.

Information Overload

The thing that's nice about the first day of a new job is that people are very forgiving about your stupidity and blundering.  No, I don't think I was particularly stupid, but I did blunder a bit.  I kept getting lost in the office!  It's bigger than I thought it was. 

I was also surprised at what a l-o-n-g day it was.  I was busy every moment and so I would have thought the time would have flown on by.  But I felt every one of those hours I was there.  It'll take a little acclimating, I'm sure.

Great people, was my first reaction.  Great technology was my second reaction.  There is hardly any paper -- most everything is electronic.  The office building itself isn't uber-special -- it's kind of worn and tired.  But I don't care about that as long as the people are great, and I'm definitely uplifted about that.  Oh sure, there were some typical engineering geeks, but I'm accustomed to them.   And I'm sure they will be frustrating at times.  (Can't escape from that fact of life!)

There are three marketing coordinators in the office (including me) and also including the "lead" coordinator, who is Ms. Tongue-Stud.   She is younger than I first thought she was (she must've been tired when I initially met her!)  The three of us went out to lunch today and I truly warmed up to her.  She's just dynamite!  In fact, I would go so far as to say that she is a firecracker!  The other coordinator assured me that Ms. Tongue-Stud is wonderful to work for and with, and I was so very glad to hear that.  She is 180 deg. out from Micrmngr Boss Bitch. 

I discovered when I was being introduced around the office that one of the guys that works there is someone I've known since junior high school.  Margaret went to school with him, too!   That's so cool!  I also know that he's been through some hard times recently, with a divorce that he didn't want after many years of marriage.  In fact, his ex-wife (whom I've also known since junior high) divorced him immediately after our 30-year class reunion. 

Speaking of personal lives.  It's so weird during job interviews -- people are on their best professional behavior and there's no real glimpse into who they are, of course.  Today I got an earful and then some from the 2nd marketing coordinator (Ms.  Nice-But-Frumpy) who has a special-needs 4-year-old son at the age of 46.  How exhausting.  And the special needs are due to ADHD as well as other very severe behavioral issues, which may include Asperger Syndrome although that hasn't been pinned down yet.  At 4, he's been kicked out of eight daycares within nine months.   What a nightmare she lives -- and this is after raising 3 grown children.  (Plus I heard all about the IRS chasing her down, and having to file bankruptcy and oh dear oh my).   

I advised HR plus Ms. Tongue-Stud and Ms. Nice-But-Frumpy about Mom's situation, and that I could receive a phone call at any time.  They were wonderful. Very sympathetic and supportive and "whatever you need to do."  You wouldn't believe what a relief that was.  You just never know.  I can just imagine how Micrmngr Boss Bitch would have handled it.  "So your mom died last night?  You will be in sometime today, right?"  I. Am. Not. Kidding.

I sure do have a lot to learn, though.  Mostly just their company processes.  Those processes can be tedious, I know.   All the marketing "stuff" is very familiar, of course.  I can't imagine somebody very green coming into architectural/engineering marketing and having to learn not only the firm's processes, but MARKETING.  Lord. 

~~~~~

Just got off the phone with my brother.  Mom's in sleeping mode now.  Hospice has let Dad know that this is the start of the final stage.   

Sunday Night

I thought this was an interesting new feature that Sitemeter offers.  At any given time, I can see where in the world my last 10, 20, or 50 blog visitors originate from.  I was surprised to see so many abroad.  The red dot is the most recent visitor, green are second recent, and white means they came by a while ago.   It's just fun to check it out now and then.  Many of these "vistors" just happened across my blog by way of a Google search (for things like "sex life of kingfishers" or "wiener butts").   

Well, time is marching on tonight.  I'm a night-owl, but tonight I can't be!  I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow and head to my new job.  I've set the DVR to record Grey's Anatomy.   It's been kind of lonesome today because JDub had to work, then when he got home he took a very long nap, and then right after dinner he was called into work again to tend to an emergency.  I'll likely be in bed asleep by the time he gets home.  And then tomorrow begins a five-day stretch of not seeing him at all.  Sigh.

My brother and his family stayed at Camano through today, and I just talked to him on the phone to see how today went for Mom.  Pretty much the same, it sounds like.  No worse, really.   More hallucinations, but they tend to tickle her.  She said to everyone, "It's too bad you all can't experience these with me!"  Dad will need some respite help from hospice this week so he can have a break now and then.  He doesn't dare leave her alone -- including going downstairs to the little guest apartment to watch TV.   

We'll see what happens....but at this point, we are planning to go up for Mother's Day and pan fry oysters (Mom's choice).   My brother fixed a salmon dinner today and once again Mom ate a lot of food.

Well, I need to fold some laundry and then head to bed.  Hmm, what should I wear tomorrow?  (Haven't worn a dress in over three months!)