Kingfisher Cove

Could a Saturday BE More Exciting?

Finally starting to feel better! I’m not coughing up a lung every minute, and while the snot factory is still in business, production is definitely on the down-turn. I’m still TIRED, though. Just…..tired.

So it was a day of not accomplishing a whole heckuva lot (a few domestic chores, plus I cooked breakfast for dinner). Took a nice nap. JDub brought home some ear plugs from work and I tried them out during my nap because there was an annoying yappy neighbor dog about to drive me mad. The ear plugs muffled the sound (didn’t block it out entirely, though), but it must have been enough to take the edge off (and keep me from having violent fantasies) because I was basically comatose for a couple of hours. Never heard JDub come in to take his nap, turn the TV on (which almost always wakes me up), and then get up from his nap! Slept right through it!

JDub was busy today. He tinkered with the red boat all day long, creating a custom frame made from PVC-type piping, so the boat cover would fit over it and not sag from rain pooling. He also tinkered some more with the motor and got it all squared away to help ward off corrosion from the salt water. Put the licensing tabs/numbers on. And so guess what? It’s ready to roll! We’re taking it back to Hars*tine tomorrow and we’re GOING FOR A BOAT RIDE. It’s supposed to be at least “dry” tomorrow, so even though I don’t expect a beautiful sunny day, at least we won’t get rained on. I’m excited! We have the weenie dog life jackets ready to go. (In fact, the dogs got all excited when JDub brought them out. I really don’t think they know what they’re in for – they just knew a “ride” was imminent because we were “on the move, gathering things”). I sure hope they like riding in the boat with their ears flapping in the wind. Peanut will probably be unnerved for a while, mostly because of the sound of the motor. She’s kind of a chicken-dog.

So tomorrow night I should have some pictures!

This past week, the company gave us lady/support staff gift cards for Target (for “Administrative Professionals’ Day” or whatever they’re calling it now). I’ve often had a bit of an issue being considered in that category – I’ve worked very hard to rise above being perceived as “clerical”. I’ve since learned that perceptions don’t easily die. And since you tend to get “stuff” on that day, I decided to forego my attitude about it a few years ago. Free lunch? Gift cards? Of course I think a day off with pay would be the most appropriate Thank You. Or, gee! How about a decent salary so that there wouldn’t even be a need for a so-called holiday of obligation and guilt? (Ooops, my attitude is seeping through). But the Target gift card was pretty nice, and I spent it today. I bought a blender! I know, sounds really dumb, huh? But my old (cheapy) blender died a while ago and I decided I wanted to replace it with a quality blender – with a glass jar instead of plastic. I wanted a killer blender. This pretty much fills the bill with its stainless steel base and glass jar – very substantial. Haven’t used it yet. A fruit smoothy sounds good – might have to give that a try one of these days when the weather heats up. Hmm. Or maybe…. a margarita!

Yup, It's True

SEATTLE - "Nothing like some presidential reassurance.

Too bad Mr. Bush didn't even come close to rising to the occasion during his non-news conference Thursday night.

I particularly liked the non-news part where the president said he couldn't do much about ever-rising gas prices.

Yep. Exxon announces profits that are up by 44% from a year ago, and all the president can do is stammer something about how there won't be any price gouging at the pumps.

Hello!! Checked out the pump price lately, Mr. President?

The Petroleum Industry Research Foundation says oil company profits in general are producing embarrassing "piles of cash", and the president gives us the political equivalent of "oh well."

The oil companies are screwing us because, in part, Mr. Bush has given them the green light to do so.

This is a president who is so far removed from the lives of everyday people that it's pitiful.

And with his approval rating at an all time low of 47%, it's obvious that even the delusional people who voted for him are beginning to realize that.

From gas prices to the economy to Iraq to Social Security, the president's non-news conference was a bust."

Quandary

I spoke to my co-workers today about yesterday’s interlude between me and my boss, needing to confirm for certain that when they unexpectedly need to leave the office in the midst of the day, the “broadcast email” to the group is their method of notifying everyone in our department. When I got my assed reamed yesterday, it occurred to me that I was probably wrong, and that everyone went to Micrmngr Boss Hussy (MBH) first, and then did the email thing. But every single one of them assured me that all they did was send a broadcast email, and that’s what they’ve always done. They were all totally outraged at my treatment. (And there have been a lot of snide-but-funny remarks all day long regarding the “higher authority” thang).

They’ve all been encouraging me to talk to the manager who is over MBH. “She has it out for you, Tonya.” There has been ongoing evidence of this. I know she doesn’t like me. I’m not really sure why, except that I’m not young and cute, and it may well come down to something as superficial as that. She tends to have a lot of respect for the youngsters and cuties, I suppose because she relates to them more. MBH is younger than me, although not by a whole lot, and she is definitely “cute” in a Barbie-doll, gymnast-body type of way. I can just imagine her in high school, having utter and total disdain for the non-popular crowd of girls, which would have been me (I wasn't a total nerd or anything, but I certainly wasn't in the popular crowd.  But I definitely remember her snobby type). I also think she resents the fact that I tend to work best independently, which bugs her because it threatens her control. But I work really hard, and I do a good job, I communicate my work status very clearly, my co-workers really really like me, and I’m a nice person. (My co-workers think I’m “too nice” because I haven’t confronted MBH with her bullshit).

I really hate being walked on. But I also have some issues with confrontation. I don’t handle it well. When somebody is angry with me without good cause, I’m so befuddled by that fact that I totally freeze up. I hear the tone of what is being said, but not the words. My emotions rise to the surface and I’ll feel anger back toward the person, but I’m afraid to open my mouth because of what I MIGHT say that I would regret. The clever and put-her-in-her place words don’t come to my tongue quickly. So instead of coming across as an over-emotional and blathering dork, I tend to keep my mouth shut. After the fact, I can think of all kinds of incredibly savvy and clever things I coulda/shoulda said.

And then, I think of the possible scenario of going to MBH’s boss (who is very High Up in the company) and talking to him about it. “She doesn’t like me.” “She won’t let me write the newsletter Spotlight article anymore and I wonder if it's sabotage.” “She wants me to ask permission to go to the doctor, although nobody else is required to do that.” “She criticizes everything I do, even though my shortlist rate of proposals is equal to everyone else’s.” “She treats all of us like inept children.” “She’s wishy-washy and can’t make a decision, and if she does, she doesn’t stick to it.” “She has her thumbs on everything we do, usually squashing our ideas [unless you’re young and cute].” “She makes a decree with utter contempt of all of our abilities, and then forgets she’s made the decree.” “She obsesses over inane, unimportant details, and loses sight of the big picture until something occurs to bring it to light, and then she blames us.” “We feel like an abused sector of the family.”

It all sounds so petty. I can’t imagine it being taken seriously. She hasn’t violated any laws. One of my co-workers is black, and MBH treats her like crap, too, and I suspect why. But it’s not blatant enough. She’s smart enough to not say to me, “Keep your distance from her.” But she has implied it. (And I absolutely adore said black co-worker, and she’s been there for 15 years, much longer than MBH, and she is stellar at what she does – another threat to MBH?) I just can’t imagine a discussion with Mr. Head Honcho as being a beneficial thing. Maybe if a couple of others met with him along with me, because it ultimately is a department-wide issue. If it wasn’t just ME, then I wouldn’t come across as whiney, or PETTY.

It sure doesn’t FEEL petty. Every day something occurs to make me feel beat up, pounded down to the ground even further. My self-esteem is pretty much in the toilet. But it’s so hard to make that point, to clearly illustrate the ongoing seriousness of it, as I put my feet in the shoes of very-busy Mr. Head Honcho with all those high-end responsibilites. These are the reasons why I keep putting up with this crap, and keep my mouth shut.

I mean, having a strong opinion about something and expressing it even turned my long-time girlfriends against me. “Tonya just doesn’t express strong opinions, and we don’t like her when she does.” Ever read “The Dance of Anger”? You confront, you express, and those who know you as not being a confronter or expresser basically “punish” you, in an attempt to get you to change back to how you were before. It can be a very strong motivation to NOT rock the boat. I have been a boat rocker in some aspects of my life, and I’ve paid the price.

And so, I'm in a quandary. 

In the course of a given week or so......

Coworker #1 email sent to group: I have an appointment today at 1:30, should be back around 3:00.

Coworker #2 email sent to group: EO [early out] this afternoon – Jr. has a ball game at 4:00.

Coworker #3 email sent to group: Not feeling well, I’m heading home. Workload is under control.

Coworker #4 email sent to group: Leaving for dentist at 4:00 – see you all tomorrow a.m.

Me – today, email sent to group: Leaving for doctor’s appt. at noon, and since I’m feeling lousy, I’m heading home afterwards. Proposal is in good shape and Mr. Geek has my email address so if I need to work from home, I can. I’ll be back in tomorrow.

Email sent to me (immediately) from Madam Boss: Come to my office.

And so I did. And proceeded to have a new asshole reamed because “You need to come to me first and ask if it’s all right to leave. As your higher authority, everything must route through me first, not arbitrarily be broadcasted by email to the group."

Uhm. Excuse me? This rule applies…… only to me?  (Apparently so).

Then she proceeded to demand to know exactly where I was on the proposal, and whether or not she was going to have to “ask somebody to pick up the ball, even though everybody else is swamped?” I said, “As I mentioned in my email, the proposal is under control.” And then? Then she smirked at me and raised her eyebrows in disbelief!

This woman is a psychopath! A sociopath! A combination of both!

And so I went to the doctor, and as I suspected (since I felt run over by a Mac truck), I have a nasty sinus infection. And the beginning stages of bronchitis. Doc said, “Good thing you came in.”

Yeah, well, tell my boss that.

And yes, I did take an antibiotic- and codeine-induced nap after I got home, but it took a while to get to sleep. Kept having hog-tying fantasies about a certain higher authority.

Idiot

Yesterday I made reference to (gag me) Rush Limbaugh accusing working single women of “sponging” free turkey at Thanksgiving from a charity, and I was asked to prove it.

OK, I was wrong.

Upon further review, I discovered it wasn’t about working single women. It was about working families. Families, of which at least one member is trying to make a living wage. Which often isn’t enough. Not every person who has a job is making a ton of money. In fact, not every person who has a job is making ends meet. In fact, not every family with two employed members is making ends meet. Some people tend to think that employed = rich in this country. Like Rush.

This transcript from last November leads into it:

"First off from the Wichita Eagle. Food bank lines only grow longer. They are starving in Wichita today, folks. Here are the details: Hundreds more local people appear to have fallen into poverty since last year, Wichita charity directors say. And now some charities say they need more than money and food. They need help. Some volunteers are growing very tired. Bread of Life food pantry volunteers have signed up an additional 55 to 85 families for assistance every week through most of the year. They think 8,000 people or more will show up for an annual turkey giveaway on November 23rd.

Why not ten. . If they're giving away turkeys I would go."

He would go? He has a job, remember.

OK, so here’s the part that illustrates what a heartless and out-of-touch idiot he is:

"Catholic Charities officials say hundreds more people than last year have come seeking food. The Lord's Diner fed 406 people nightly through October, up 14 people a night from last year.

'A lot of faces are people we haven't seen before, and they are entire families where mom and dad both have jobs,' director Wendy Glick said. 'You can tell they are first-timers because they look so uncomfortable.'

So, I guess, the more people show up, the greater the assumption that they're starving and hunger going on in Wichita, yet mom and dad both have work and they're bringing the family? Wendy Glick says, 'You can tell they are first-timers because they look so uncomfortable.' Yeah, they're wondering if they're going to get away with it, Wendy! [laughs]. Does dad come wearing a tie?"

Oh, but if they're giving those turkeys away for free, Rush said he'd be there, remember!  And he has a job!

And for further proof, here is the audio: Download rushcatholiccharities_apr_26_2005_22.56.56.mp3.   

(If you can stomach listening to his disgusting, arrogant, idiotic voice).

And then there's this from the Seattle P.I. regarding how gas prices affect low-wage workers.  (Bet Rush doesn't believe it.  Or else he'd say, "let them eat cake."  Or turkey, under the scrutiny of his judgmental eye.)

Weary of the Snot. Weary of (some) People.

I took a break from blogging last night because I was bored with all my snot-factory whining, as I'm sure you were (are), too.  I will say today (since you had a break yesterday), that I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  A cold is supposed to last a week or seven days, right? (heh).  Well, I felt this coming on last Thursday.  Oh crap, I have a couple more days to get through yet.  Well, at least it's coinciding with "that time of month", so I don't have to string out all the misery.   Get it all done and over with, once and for all!  Working has been difficult.  I'm dragging, both physically and mentally, and yet the demand right now is for my brain to be in high and efficient gear.  And the geek I'm working with on THIS (very tight) deadline is so indecisive, that he requires his manager to tell him how and when to wipe his butt. (Problem is, his manager is out of the office most of the time, so I'm waiting on said geek to deal with the butt wiping thang before I can do my part, which has nothing to do with bodily functions, let me make that perfectly clear).

Being sick and dealing with "that time of month" at the same time, (which actually is all about bodily functions, how ironic) brings out potential violent tendencies when I'm dealing with idiots.  Of course, at a time like this, everybody is an idiot.

Sigh.

My mom was on my mind today (in between dealing with idiots).  It was her first out-patient dialysis session.  I'm sure she did just fine, and was all prepared by bringing along magazines or whatever to help her pass the time.  But poor Dad -- I wonder what he did during those 4 hours?  For this week only (luckily), they have to drive a fair distance for the dialysis, so it doesn't make sense for Dad to go back home, (then drive all the way back) especially with the price of gas as it is.  Hmm.  After this week, Mom could drive herself, and it won't be far at all (it's a new center that will begin expanding hours next week, so Mom has a "chair" lined up). 

Do you know that if you made minimum wage, which in Washington is higher than in many states, it takes an average of 4-5 hours to earn a tank of gas?  In other states, it takes 6-7 hours.  I used to do similar math when I was a single mom, calculating the cost of daycare vs. my income.  For quite some time, the "net" was less than minimum wage. How depressing is that?  And then I remember hearing that Rush Limbaugh (makes me shudder to even type his name) was criticizing working single mothers with their children last Thanksgiving, for standing in lines to get a free turkey dinner -- accusing them of "sponging".  Tell me how a woman making minimum wage, with likely no health insurance, and having to pay daycare for her children so she could WORK, could afford a Thanksgiving dinner on her own?  Let alone anything else?  I'd like to see ol' pain-killer addicted Rush give 'er a try.

How did I get on that subject?  Eeewww.

JDub's cooking tonight, yay!  When he decides/offers to cook, he tends to come up with some interesting things.  Tonight?  Steelhead.  (It's like salmon, river caught).  Mmmm.   

Not Much Energy

We went to Harsti*ne today and I brought along my laptop, so this could have been me, except that I was pretty much bundled up in jeans and a sweatshirt (that came off now and then, depending on the status of the sun, down to my blouse thing underneath), and also a baseball cap to cover up my dorky and dirty hair (didn't take a shower this morning).  Also, I was sitting at the nifty little picnic table, not on the ground.  Oh!  And also, I had my big box of Kleenex, complete with growing pile of snot rags next to it.  Paints a rather different picture from what you see here, huh? (Truth is, if JDub had dared to come near me with a camera, I would've smacked him).

I believe the only internet service available around Har*stine would be modem connection.  I doubt there's cable available, and certainly not DSL.  Eventually we'll have to install a phone line and see what we can do.  Boy, the slowness of a modem would be hard to get used to!  But, it would be better than no internet access at all.  I think.

So while I took it easy managing the snot factory, poor JDub worked his ass off finishing up moving the wood pile that we started moving last time we were there.  It was a very large wood pile, with mostly very large unsplit partial logs, and they all had to be moved down the hill a little ways to open up a space that will need to be flattened (with a tractor and blade or bobcat or something), so we can place a camping trailer in there.  JDub's folks have a 30 ft. trailer that's in good shape, and they aren't using it, so we'll stick it in there and have a place to stay without having to tent it.  (Tenting was pretty fun last year, but it was a lot of work, and we're basically too old to be tenting anyway).  We won't be able to have the trailer down close to the water, unfortunately.  The road/path down from the top is too steep and narrow, and there really wouldn't be a good place to park it without an awful lot of grading to do first.  And eventually we'd want to be able to get it out of there relatively easily in order to build.  So we'll park it at the top of the property and then use the new ATV to get us up and down the hill to the beach!  Heh heh. 

So JDub is beat and sore (can you hear him moaning and groaning?  Yup, that's him).  There's a movie title that this reminds me of from a while back... "The Englishman Who went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain".   JDub probably feels that all those hills are mountains.

We also hauled the red boat home so JDub could check out the motor and do a few things for corrosion control from the salt water, before putting it in the water for the first time.  As soon as he got it situated in the driveway, he hooked up a hose to it and turned the key -- and it started right up!  It's a 135 Mercury, from 1972!  He was quite amazed at what great condition it's in.  It'll probably have to stay parked in the driveway throughout the week, which is a bummer because it means that Na*te will have to park off the road in front of the neighbors' house.  And I'm so jealous because Lisa and her husband have already been out in their new boat! Jeeze!  I can hardly wait!

She's Feeling So Much Better, She's Going to Take Up Bungee Jumping

We're all convinced that Mom has been having kidney issues (probably a steady decline in function) for several years.  And then she hit rock bottom last week.  (It was sure fortunate that it was finally figured out and addressed then!)  But her killer back pain, constant neck pain, and other miserable ailments, such as full-body-itching, are basically GONE.  It was so great to see her face relaxed -- serene.  And to NOT see the screaming pain radiating from wild eyes whenever she had to walk or get up out of a chair.  Today she laughed!  She laughed a lot!  Giggled, even.  I realized that I haven't heard that sometimes goofy but always musical sound in a long time.  She's looking forward to finally being able to take beach walks.  I think she's in absolute awe from the amazement of feeling free from such horrendous and constant pain, after so many years.  There's the trade-off of dialysis three times a week at four hours per session. And that's a drag.  But I have a hunch that once the routine gets underway and she's figured out what works for her to spend that time doing -- audio books, visiting, whatever it might be -- that it won't be so daunting.  Just plan your time and activities around it.  And then live life feeling WELL.  Really, that's what is meant by "quality of life".  Being able to do stuff without feeling miserable.

It was a good day on Camano Island.  The weather, while not stellar, was very nice -- nice enough to sit on the deck and see Mt. Baker all plugged in and glowing across the bay. No wind -- very pleasant.  JDub and I found some agates on the beach (I was distracted from continuously blowing my goddamned nose).  He kept practicing taking pictures of the weenie dogs with his new little digital camera and he kept getting their butts or the tops of their heads as they'd move the instant he'd push the button.  (I know how this is).  I thought this one was particularly funny -- Peanut sniffing the camera lens.  I swear that they don't cooperate on purpose!

Yesterday at work, JDub emailed me with the quick and almost breathless news (as he was leaving for a meeting) that he'd bought an ATV.  I know, what the?  However, we've been thinking about getting something that would work to haul things and even people up and down the steep slopes of our Har*stine property, and we kept coming back to the idea of a utilitarian ATV.  It so happened that a guy he works with was selling one, and it totally fits the bill.  It's older, needs a little engine work (no biggy), and should be perfect for what we need it for, with the racks in the back and front.  Plus -- very inexpensive.  Great deal.  The remainder on the "need to get for Hars*tine list" are a small rowboat and oars, and a mooring buoy to anchor out front for our little red motor boat.  And then, JDub wants to build a nice (big) shed this summer.  (He can do that on rainy days.  On nice days, I wanna be out in the boat!  Or in the kayaks!)  We were kidding Mom today about strapping her onto the ATV and hauling her down to the beach.  They've never been to our place, and up until now I never thought they'd be able to handle the steep grade. 

Hope abounds!

Mom's Home!

They let her out of the hospital today!  Yay!  She's home at Camano Is., and very glad to be there.  I'll bet her bitchy cat really missed her.  (That cat can't stand the likes of me, though, which is weird, because most cats do).  I haven't talked to her yet, but I talked to Dad and her back is even significantly less painful than it was yesterday, and yesterday was a great improvement.  That's so encouraging!  Now begins the out-patient dialysis three times per week, beginning Tuesday.  I'm still not certain of the ultimate prognosis, as far as the possibility of the kidneys gaining back functionality.  Depending on the type of failure, functionality could return, but it's probably wait-and-see.  Dad says she's bruised from all the needle-poking/prodding (to find veins, etc.), so I imagine she's stiff and sore from that.

But at any rate, we're heading up to Camano tomorrow with weenie dogs in tow (who will terrorize the bitchy cat just by their mere presence).  Get to see my 5-yr. old niece, finally!  And, she'll finally get her birthday presents.

I sure wish I felt better. I'll have to stay far away from everyone so they don't catch this.  M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E.

Feeling Like Crap (Me)

I'm a snot- and hack-up-a-lung factory today.  Everybody I know has already been there, worn this T-shirt months ago, and now I've got it?  What's up with that?  Sigh. 

So JDub rose at his typical butt-crack of dawn hour to get ready for work, and once his alarm went off, I was wide awake.  And miserable.  And I stayed that way until about a half hour after he left, and so I got up and showered and went to work an hour early.

"Why?" you ask.  "What possessed you to do such an idiotic thing?"  Well, during that half hour that I laid there (wide awake and miserable), my mind was buzzing a gazillion miles an hour, stewing about all the crap on my plate at work.  There was just no way that I couldn't go in.  I actually got quite a lot accomplished, although I had to wait on a guy to return to the office (from somewhere, probably legitimate but who knows), to make some decisions about a new proposal that absolutely needed to be started so there's a chance I might be able to finish it in time for the deadline.  Otherwise I would have headed home sooner.  As it was, I put in 5-1/2 hours, which I think is respectable considering how I was feeling.  There's always this push-pull-guilt thing at work when you don't feel well.  On the one hand, you don't want to be spreading the germs around and cause others to get sick.  On the other hand, there are those (usually the Big Wigs) who think it's a weakness to be off sick from work.  "Tough it out."  People who take pride in "worked here 32 years without ever taking a sick day."  Well, boooya.

It's nice right now being home.  I'm ALONE.  (Except for animals).  I just don't get much alone-time and it's very nice.  I wouldn't want it regularly or often or in long stretches or anything like that, but for an hour or two now and then, I totally relish it.  Even though I feel like crap.

But it's a beautiful day, and the warmest day yet this year -- pushing 70 deg.  (#1 priority on the house-fix-it-list:  Repair the A/C unit). I currently have a fan blowing in my face.  This house gets very warm/hot because of all the windows.  A nap will be forthcoming shortly.  JDub takes a nap when he gets home, so I'll probably take one with him. 

I haven't heard an update today from my dad yet on Mom (generally get those in the evening), so I have no new news there.  I am thinking that it might be a good idea to go up to visit on Sunday instead of tomorrow.  She's being released sometime tomorrow (we believe -- that's not even a fact), and I would think she'd like a little time to acclimate before she's inundated with son, daughter, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter.  Unfortunately, Nate won't be able to go with us because he has to work.  This place where he works is great, except if you ask for time off, it really goes against you, and there are so many high school kids lined up for jobs there, that you just don't do anything to jeopardize your job.  (Sucks, huh?)

When I mentioned yesterday about the weird/icky stuff going on at work, I knew I needed to sleep on it and check out my attitude about it in the morning.  Which was vastly improved.  Yesterday I was PMSing, reeling about my mom, and just generally feeling overwhelmed and "shat" upon.  (Today I'm no longer PMSing.  Ahem.)This all goes back to this ridiculous company newsletter.  Fact:  I am in charge of overseeing the production/output of the company newsletter.  Fact:  I write most of the articles for the company newsletter.  Fact:  I could, but don't, lay out the company newsletter, a co-worker in wordprocessing does that.  And, Fact:  I very much enjoy working on the newsletter -- it's probably my favorite aspect of my job.  But when the proposal workload is soaring, the newsletter just Can. Not. Be. A. Priority.  Meeting the deadline of a marketing proposal absolutely has to be the priority.  Like, duh.  (I've mentioned this before, I know).  And when the workload is high, that means that all of us marketers are slammed.  There is nobody else to pawn off the work to.  But certain folks-old men-up-high in the company (who are totally out of touch from reality) see the company newsletter as vital, and especially for their wives.  (Can you freakin' believe it?)  My boss absolutely LOATHES the newsletter and all it stands for and all the time it takes away from us working on legitimate proposals. (She will not allow any baby pictures in the newsletter.  People bitch to me about that all the time, but my hands are tied!) But she has been mandated to make it a priority.  Against her will.  Anyway, my favorite aspect about the company newsletter is choosing an employee, interviewing him/her, and writing an article that "spotlights" that person.  And what's ironic, is that it is the only aspect of my job that I ever receive compliments for.  I have a lot of insecurities about my proposal abilities, even though I've been doing it for over 20 years, even though I've helped win various companies hundreds of thousands (actually millions) of dollars, and I've never received a thank-you, a pat on the back, an acknowledgement, not even having it brought up in a performance review.  I never know where I stand!  I guess I sense that if I'm not shown a little appreciation just every once in a while (and I don't require anything more than just every once in a while), that it must mean they aren't happy with me.  At least with the spotlight article in the newsletter, I sense that people are pretty happy with me.

And so yesterday, I was told that I will no longer be doing the spotlight article for the newsletter.  It's being farmed out to "project coordinators" in the company, who are smart people, but their claim to fame is managing the paperwork and contract elements of a project.  Nowhere in their job description is it mentioned that they must write.  And, well, they don't.  I guess this is in the best interest of allowing me the time to work on proposals instead.  (That I'm never acknowledged for).  OK.  My attitude about it yesterday was that I was badly hurt.  (And at first I suspected that this was one of those passive-aggressive things from my boss, who well could pull from me the very thing that gives me pleasure in that job, perhaps knowing that I'd received kudos, and "we can't have that."  But I don't know that she's that bright to be that manipulative.  Maybe.).  But it does alleviate stress for me, which I acknowledged to myself this morning.  The deadline for the current newsletter is Friday the 29th.  The deadline for my new proposal is Friday the 29th.  No way could I do both.  But I'm still in charge of it all.  And I still need to make sure that all these external people do their part and meet their deadlines.  And that's not to mention that Wordprocessing typically has a tremendous amount of responsibilities that also need to push the newsletter to the back seat at times, in the scheme of priorities.  Jeeze.  This mandate from above (and their wives) will ultimately come down on me.  Can you hear my frustration?

Sorry to carry on.  I'm done now.  It' nap time.